square

Square Testicles This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure. 'The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !' The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky. Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

A letter from an Irish mum.

from Home ----- Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son! Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial! Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire. I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling. I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum. P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

memories?

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?' 'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.'Except for Fish & Chip shops and we ate it all so unhygenically from newspaper wrappers' 'All the other food was slow.' 'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'home,' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it: Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore jeans, never set foot on a golf course, never travelled out of the country and credit cards had not been invented. My parents never drove me to school. I had my mothers bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until the Queens Coronation. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 4 p.m. and there was usually locally produced news and everything was live.....or film. I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was, and the bread. All newspapers were delivered by paperboys --Many of us delivered newspaper's, seven days a week, and had to get up at 6AM every morning. Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence (except cowboy films) or almost anything offensive. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it? MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old. How many do you remember? Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car. Ignition switches on the dashboard. ;There were two postal deliveries per day. Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner. Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators. Corona fizzy drinks were delivered in glass bottles by lorry each week, and the empties returned. .> Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom. 1. Sweet cigarettes 2. Coffee shops with juke boxes 3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles 4. Party lines on the telephone 5. Newsreels before the film 6. TV test card patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate]) 7. Peashooters 8. 78 rpm records 9. 45 RPM records 10. Hi-fi's 11. Potato spud guns 12. Blue flashbulbs 13. Cork popguns 14. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient! I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life. Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!!!!!!!!! (PS. I used a large type face so you could read it easily) JPWMTemplat